MidLife

Menopause and Loss

Some time ago, I likened the transition from having a period every month to not having a period as a process of moving an ocean from here to there via teaspoon. Inevidably, you lose some water.

I haven’t actually hit the officialy menopause mark, but I’ve been working my way there for fifteen years. Yes, I did say fifteen years.

Gushing

I distinctly remember when I knew my body was changing. I turned forty. I was married, living in Tennessee, working at a job I didn’t like. I was probably depressed, though it’s never been diagnosed (and I’ve had a few bouts of what I identify as depression. It’s been years though, so let’s not dwell on sadness.)

I was having a period. And then, gushing. It was as if I all of the blood in my body was bleeding out. I swear.

Anyone with medical knowledge will know that that’s not what happened but that’s what it seemed like to me. Thankful to be at home, I was nevertheless miserable.

It only lasted five to six hours, but it signaled that my body was ready to change. That change has proceeded on since then, for fifteen years.

Thankfully, I haven’t experienced another onset of heavy bleeding of that nature. But there have been plenty of other symptoms: hot flashes, weight gain and loss, dietary requirements adjusted, sleep interruption. Through all of it, I’ve trusted that my body knew exactly what it needed to do. It’s much smarter than me.

Body changes I could deal with. But I wasn’t prepared for the theme of loss.

An Emerging Theme

This theme of loss has only emerged clearly in the last six months, mostly during coaching sessions. That hour-long meeting gets me to talk about what’s going on in my life.

As I talk, things emerge that I’ve been thinking about. Those things are often just under the surface of conscious knowledge. That is, when you know you know, but can’t quite put the words to your knowledge.

And this theme of loss is pretty stunning. Here is a growing list of things that you might consider losses. Some of them apply to me, others not so much – at least not yet.

the death of my old self and old ways of doing things
the death of how I used to be able to eat anything
the end of the summer of life, and the beginning of the autumn of life
the end of following the unending “I should” or “am supposed to” do it this way, and the unfolding of new ways that are unique to me.
an empty nest
parents dying or having to caretake for your parents
loss of anticipated freedom – How you were dreaming of a carefree retirement, but now you have to take care of your parents or grandchildren or partner.
your youth: looks fade, skin, hair, the ability to adapt as fast as you used to
physical changes: not just menopause, but back pain, feet changes, physical mobility
the death of friends
the death of famous people you’ve followed for years either via a real death or their fall from grace
the death of a relationship
letting go of the old messages that were stuck – things like “this is how you’re supposed to be at this age.” These things just aren’t true, and they’re constantly changing
In the maiden/mother/crone trio, there’s the change from extended maiden to crone — and I skipped mother all together.

There Are Gains In Those Losses

Just like the cycle of seasons, and the abundance of crops at harvest time, menopause does bring significant gains.

But just for now, talk to me about loss.

What did you lose? How did it make you feel? What did you do to move forward?

Midlife Crisis or Midlife Revolution?

Coined in 1965 by Elliott Jacques, the ‘midlife crisis’ is a term that implies that getting older is a disease. It suggests that life is completely over when you hit midlife, and that -with just one crisis- you’re ‘over it’ and better.

I see the phrase ‘midlife crisis’ as just one more way that Western (and specifically American) culture sends a message that you aren’t good enough the way you are today. And I think it’s hogwash, because it’s not a midlife crisis – it’s a midlife revolution.

Midlife Crisis or Midlife Revolution?

Midlife for me has (so far) been about a great change in my life. In a way, my life has been ‘revolving’ and ‘evolving’ in ways I never thought it could. And in other ways, I feel like I’m truly coming home to settle in my skin and celebrate myself.

On Twitter, though, people using #midlifecrisis seem to assume that being in midlife is bad. Of course, there’s a humorous twist to each of the tweets; Twitter is for quick comments like those you might make at a cocktail party. The posts can be serious, snarky, and funny, like this one:

Pink unicorns in and of themselves are not a midlife crisis. But boy, society wants us to turn over and die already. The thinking is that at age 42, you’re definitely OLD, and most certainly too old for all sorts of things, including pink unicorn tops.

But buying a top with a pink unicorn isn’t a crisis, it’s a revolution. It’s a cry from your inner child, from the younger version of you, to really truly celebrate who you are.

It’s a shout to say, “This is who I am, world, get over it.” And if wearing pink unicorns is what you’re about, then do it with gusty.

Or, at least to let your silly side show. And the fact that you’re willing to follow this wild cry is a beautiful thing – revolutionary, even.

Because one thing this world definitely needs is to learn to (at least) appreciate if not downright celebrate aging and all that it brings, ammitright?

Aging Is Awesome

In the ‘aging is horrible’ category, there’s this lament from twenty-something @dylandonnelly12. Being just as close to 30 as you are 18 is definitely not a midlife thing, and it’s certainly no crisis. Being in high school sucked a lot more than being an adult – at least for me.

And while my 20s were fun, I don’t want to go back there (except for the ability to recover from having a couple of glasses of wine faster…now that I would like to get back. This song from Jamie Cullum sums up the 20-something experience… And it aint’ no midlife crisis.

Hair Color Is A Revolution

Going brunette after being blonde for 25 years is not a crisis, either. It’s a way to trust your inner feelings, and take a wild leap into a new version of you.

Right now I’m transitioning from a regular hair dye about the same color as my natural hair into a full-blown head of grey hair. It’s a wild leap to trust both my stylist and my inner instincts. It’s both frightening and exciting at the same time.

I’ve got all sorts of questions running around in my head: Who will I be with grey hair? What does that mean for my life? What color of grey is it going to be?

And I have all sorts of answers, too: I’m still me, and it means nothing – other than you’re getting older and gaining more wisdom. In some ways, the transition from brunette to grey is an outward manifestation of the amazing inner revolution that midlife has brought me through.

Wrinkles Are A Revolution

Wrinkles are part of life, too. They’re an indication that you’ve lived a full life.

And who says you have to be mature to be 50? Ask anyone who – around age 50 – has bought a fast sports car or dated someone *much* younger than them.

Heck, I don’t even know what ‘being mature’ means, anymore than I know what it means to be a ‘real’ adult.

I’m a firm believer that -if you are your own kooky, crazy self -you’ll be a-ok. And probably a whole lot happier, wrinkles and all.

The Power of Asking A Question

Oh, I ask this question every day, or almost every day. Well, at least once a week, month, and definitely more than once a year.

For me, the “what the heck am I doing” question is really the universe sending you the message that it’s time to change things up. And if you’re willing to ask the question, you’ve got to be brave enough to listen for the answer your soul offers.

The Midlife Revolution

Wikipedia defines a midlife crisis as “…a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45–64 years old. The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly shortcomings of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of depression, remorse, and anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to current lifestyle.”

Midlife (and menopause in particular) is not a disease. It’s the opportunity to pause and take stock. And the time it takes to do that is up to you.

For me, the revolution started in earnest after returning from a spiritual journey to Peru. I came back into ‘my real life’ and was unhappy…to put it mildly. And in the ensuing years, I’ve set in motion things that will redefine my life – for the rest of my life.

I spent a year becoming a life coach. I learned Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy. Right now I’m working through a mindfulness certification so I can bring the practice to more people. All of these things are going to contribute to this new life I’m creating.

But it didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happy without some weeping and wailing – and hot flashes. I’ve described my midlife revolution as moving the ocean of my life into another basin one tablespoon at a time. Some of the drops of water don’t make the transition, and sometimes you pick up things along the way that you never knew you wanted.

Midlife is a time of transition. It’s a time to celebrate and cry, to laugh and mourn. And it’s a time to discover that wild heartbeat within you.

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

midlife is the new black dress

When you hit midlife, you’ve reached the equivalent of life’s little black dress. You’re confident and comfortable in your own skin – no matter what you wear. Without a doubt, midlife is the new black dress.

The blog world is full of women in midlife and beyond. The blogs often explore how they got to where they are now, and especially that inner transformation that seems to happen in midlife.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite fashion blogs written by and/or featuring women in midlife and beyond.

Advanced Style

Ari Seth Cohen’s blog was a true internet sensation when it first launched.

His blog focuses on seniors who “…live full creative lives. They live life to the fullest, age gracefully and continue to grow and change themselves.”

Advanced Style has launched some seniors into the internet famous world, and even spawned books and a documentary movie.

To say the photos and stories are inspirational is an understatement. They’re a testament to the enduring nature of the human spirit and the power of transformation through fashion at any age.

Want some inspiration? Have a look at the movie trailer:

WhenThe Girls Rule

At When The Girls Rule, Julia got into fashion blogging because she didn’t see any bloggers that looked like her.

And she couldn’t find consistent clothing advice for someone with her apple-shaped body and big breasts. So she started her own blog.

“I did not feel joy when shopping and usually came out of the store feeling pretty bad about my midlife body,” she wrote in a post that explained exactly why she started When The Girls Rule.

Starting a blog was a big step for someone who had spent about twenty years as a stay-at-home mom.

She hadn’t paid attention to styles, and mostly bought outfits based on what mannequins were wearing.

Here’s a post from Julia about a little black dress that works for her in midlife:

Little Black Dress Anyone?

Bound and determined to change how she felt about herself and to celebrate her uniqueness, she threw herself into learning fashion.

Along the way she also earned a degree from a prestigious university. Now, Julia blogs and offers creative services.

How’s that for a midlife transformation?

Style Crone

Judith at Style Crone started blogging in 2010 as a way to celebrate her love of fashion. Every Monday she demonstrates amazing style and personal fortitude through challenging life circumstances.

“Let’s take back the word crone to its original meaning,” wrote Judith, “signifying a woman of a “certain age’ who embodies all her life’s wisdom, knowledge, experience, and love. ”

Judith worked for many years a a psychiatric nurse working in an emergency setting; she also managed the care of head and spinal injuries.

But she’s always had a passion for fashion and at one time co-owned a hat shop, and sold vintage clothing.

One of her earliest entries was about finding a Versace black dress at a garage sale for $3.

Fashion blogging isn’t always about sharing cute clothes, and Judith demonstrates this in every post. She shared the pain of watching a loved one suffer through chemotherapy, and the pain of being left alone after that loved one’s death.

On the more lighter side, she shared her decision to stop coloring her hair and “go grey.”

Baring her soul this way and sharing stories, Judith is a compelling blogger – and an amazing icon for anyone in midlife.

In a December 2017 post titled The Silver Gown and the Habit of Style she writes, “I never underestimate the power of style to alter the neurons in my brain, and flip my mood from melancholy to a state of playful amusement.”

I couldn’t agree more, how about you?

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

No doubt, you’ve got one or two pieces of clothing that make you feel like a million bucks.

Maybe it’s a well-worn pair of jeans that fit just so, or the perfect pair of heels; it might be a skirt that hugs your curves just so, or a hat that adds a quirky touch.

And that feeling when you know the piece of clothing is just right?

That’s midlife.

You know who you are, what you want, and you know what you need to do to get to that goal. There’s no nonsense, no messing around.

Midlife is the new black dress: it’s the perfect thing to wear.

It’s the freedom to be exactly who you are right now, as you are, without all of the nonsense you did as a younger woman.

It’s classic, contemporary, and it’s 100% you.

P.S. As a coach, I love working with women in midlife. Contact me today to learn more.