MidLife

Up The Mountain

There’s an old Chinese proverb that goes “There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.”

Of course there are multiple interpretations of that, and this one from Hinduism is on my mind today:

There are hundreds of paths up the mountain,
all leading in the same direction,
so it doesn’t matter which path you take.
The only one wasting time is the one
who runs around and around the mountain,
telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.

Put another way, there are many paths up the mountain and only one truth.

That truth is love.

Or, the best way to express that truth is through love in action. You know what that feels like, yet explaining ‘love’ is like trying to slap a definition on a blue sky. You can’t make someone see blue when all they see are clouds and rain.

But this is not supposed to be a long-winded essay today. It’s a check-in, a way to let you know that I am still here, walking up that mountain. It’s the same mountain I’ve been walking up for some 25 years now – that’s about the time I identify as the official start of my spiritual journey.

It’s probably been longer, but who’s counting?

Who’s counting a belief in reincarnation that suggests hundreds or thousands of different lives and just as many years?
Who’s counting this soul’s multiple simultaneous incarnations?
Who’s counting multiple lifetimes happening simultaneously through multiple dimensions, time, space, etc.?

There is no time, so there is no counting, and all is now.

Still Climbing

At the start of the trail, the walk is always easy. Wide, smooth, well-trodden, and downright fun. As you rise up (as good a metaphor as I can muster this morning) the path is strewn with all manner of rocks, sticks, fallen branches. It’s steep and uneven and sometimes scary. It’s one obstacle after another because everything in life is the path.

I’m discovering that I have a great need to strip away non-essentials, to once again let go and let go and let go.

I’ve spent the last few years accumulating stuff – literal things like clothes and cookbooks, but also mental stuff like Reiki, QHHT, life coaching, mindfulness, and business ideas.

And I’ve gotten so turned around on the path that I think I have 10,000,000 things do to and am tired of 9,999,999 of them. I’m tired of grasping, wishing, dreaming, tired of thinking about and tired of not doing.

I’m tired of taking on things (Reiki, QHHT, Life Coaching, Mindfulness, business, clothes, and cookbooks) and having little to show — other than a PDF certificate and a large pile of cute clothes and vintage cookbooks.

Paint The Basement

My life coach asked me what I needed to do next to move along the path. I said, “paint the basement.”

I want to focus on the here and now and on things that make a tangible difference for me.

I could get all symbolic on how painting the basement equates creating a solid foundation on which to build my future, but really, there are enough metaphors out there for me to use on another day.

Today, I’m pausing at this grand turn on the path of my life.

Sidebar

(A sidebar is a short story or graphic accompanying and presenting sidelights of a major story. It’s a deviation from the main thread or idea presented here. So you can ignore this part if you’d like.)

I’ve unfollowed a lot of people and pages and businesses on social media. Each platform seems more like a bad joke. Social media wastes time and focuses energy on wants and desires over true connections.

And yes, I know people who use social media for true connections, but the majority of it seems fake and fake and fake. But yet I don’t want to cut the social media cord completely.

Frankly, social media manipulates that deep desire to spy on people. And deep down, that’s what it’s about – jealousy about that life lifestyle or activity or possessions. And in turn, that jealousy becomes fear of missing out (FOMO.)

I’m doing my damnest to seek JOMO (joy of missing out) but there’s the whole “missing out” part of both of these acronyms that bothers me: what exactly is missing from me that needs to be found and fixed?

Keep Climbing

Of the nonsense online, one blog stands heads, fingers, knees, and toes above the others at the moment for me: Schrodinger’s Other Cat.

The posts are usually short and funky, the comments thought-provoking, and the metaphysical humor 100% on point.

It’s definitely not for everyone. But it’s a cozy little box in the corner of the interwebs for consciousness naps and meows that I thoroughly enjoy.

Lately “the cats” have asked readers to experiment with a saying from a student of A Course In Miracles (ACIM.) My experience with this saying was quite interesting, so I thought I’d pass it along.

Take this saying and try it out on anyone and everyone. Include yourself, and those you’re struggling with or have struggled with in the past:

Boss pissed you off? Say the saying!
Cut off in traffic? Say the saying!
Annoying relatives? Say the saying!
Thinking of your ex? Say the saying!
Nosy neighbor? Say the saying!
Burned your dinner? Say the saying!
Former frenemy in your thoughts? Say the saying!
Pesky pests eating your tomatoes? Say the saying!

I work at holding that person in my mind’s eye and gazing into the person’s eyes. Then I say the saying (it’s not a mantra, but, if it’s easier to remember it that way, so be it.) I wait and see how it feels.

That’s the key here — how does it feel? Most people I can do one recitation and feel some change or release. Some folks take two, three, four or more recitations. You may need to stop, collect yourself, and really get in touch with the compassionate part of yourself that loves beyond love – unconditionally.

You’ll know you’re finished saying this for the person because there will be a clear release. For me, it’s usually quite subtle like a gentle sigh or stomach muscles releasing.

Notice any thoughts that appear while you’re doing this. It could be something like “leave me alone” or “thank you.” You might say “whew!” when you’ve finished with some, and smile with others.

Feel free to change the saying around to make it work for you. For the word “Brother” I’ll often say something like “brother, sister, father, mother, source, god, goddess.” And I found that I had to repeat “all is forgiven and released” over and over for some people.

This is one way of being love in action. It is a way to walk your path up and around the mountain of your life with as much love in your heart as you can muster.

Regardless, try it out and let me know how it goes.

You are perfect

immortal spirit

brother

whole and innocent.

All is forgiven

and released.

Menopause and Loss

Some time ago, I likened the transition from having a period every month to not having a period as a process of moving an ocean from here to there via teaspoon. Inevidably, you lose some water.

I haven’t actually hit the officialy menopause mark, but I’ve been working my way there for fifteen years. Yes, I did say fifteen years.

Gushing

I distinctly remember when I knew my body was changing. I turned forty. I was married, living in Tennessee, working at a job I didn’t like. I was probably depressed, though it’s never been diagnosed (and I’ve had a few bouts of what I identify as depression. It’s been years though, so let’s not dwell on sadness.)

I was having a period. And then, gushing. It was as if I all of the blood in my body was bleeding out. I swear.

Anyone with medical knowledge will know that that’s not what happened but that’s what it seemed like to me. Thankful to be at home, I was nevertheless miserable.

It only lasted five to six hours, but it signaled that my body was ready to change. That change has proceeded on since then, for fifteen years.

Thankfully, I haven’t experienced another onset of heavy bleeding of that nature. But there have been plenty of other symptoms: hot flashes, weight gain and loss, dietary requirements adjusted, sleep interruption. Through all of it, I’ve trusted that my body knew exactly what it needed to do. It’s much smarter than me.

Body changes I could deal with. But I wasn’t prepared for the theme of loss.

An Emerging Theme

This theme of loss has only emerged clearly in the last six months, mostly during coaching sessions. That hour-long meeting gets me to talk about what’s going on in my life.

As I talk, things emerge that I’ve been thinking about. Those things are often just under the surface of conscious knowledge. That is, when you know you know, but can’t quite put the words to your knowledge.

And this theme of loss is pretty stunning. Here is a growing list of things that you might consider losses. Some of them apply to me, others not so much – at least not yet.

the death of my old self and old ways of doing things
the death of how I used to be able to eat anything
the end of the summer of life, and the beginning of the autumn of life
the end of following the unending “I should” or “am supposed to” do it this way, and the unfolding of new ways that are unique to me.
an empty nest
parents dying or having to caretake for your parents
loss of anticipated freedom – How you were dreaming of a carefree retirement, but now you have to take care of your parents or grandchildren or partner.
your youth: looks fade, skin, hair, the ability to adapt as fast as you used to
physical changes: not just menopause, but back pain, feet changes, physical mobility
the death of friends
the death of famous people you’ve followed for years either via a real death or their fall from grace
the death of a relationship
letting go of the old messages that were stuck – things like “this is how you’re supposed to be at this age.” These things just aren’t true, and they’re constantly changing
In the maiden/mother/crone trio, there’s the change from extended maiden to crone — and I skipped mother all together.

There Are Gains In Those Losses

Just like the cycle of seasons, and the abundance of crops at harvest time, menopause does bring significant gains.

But just for now, talk to me about loss.

What did you lose? How did it make you feel? What did you do to move forward?

Best of 2018

Here is a roundup of the various posts over 2018: statistics, counts, and a few other considerations.

Which posts were most popular?

Which are my favorites?

And what movies should you consider watching over the Christmas holidays?

Most Statistically Popular Posts of 2018

These posts got the most traffic, meaning, these are the posts that were most visited, and most read. I don’t think they’re necessarily the “best” posts, though.

5 Questions You Should Ask A Life Coach

Embracing Adventure

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

My Favorite Posts (Don’t Miss These!)

The Shiny Squirrels of Autumn

Despair and the Bright Shining Light of Just Maybe

In Praise Of the Multi-Faceted Self and a Life Well Lived

If you like poetry...

Feeling My Age

Be / Learn / Know

They’re Not Conspiracy Theories

Illusion, the Q Phenomenon, and We the Good People of Earth

Remember the Loosh and the Love!

Movie Suggestions

Above Majestic, PGS Intuition, and InnSaei

Oldies & Goodies

A couple other posts that give you a real sense of who I am and how I write. Let’s start with Shine Your Light – from December 2017.

Shine Your Light

I have to include this. I think it’s one of the best pieces I’ve ever written on spirituality.

The Sacred Waterfall

That’s enough, right? There will be one more post for 2018 – my traditional Deep Peace year-end closing. And then, we vault into 2019 and whatever adventures await.

The Classy White Elephant Gift Exchange for Christmas

the classy white elephant gift exchange

A couple of years ago my mom and nephew devised a clever version of a holiday gift exchange. The two collaborated on a fun and classy twist to an old game that has become a Christmas Eve tradition.

The game is also known as a White Elephant exchange or (much to my mom’s chagrin) Dirty Santa. Everyone brings a wrapped gift and there’s a monetary limit of $10 or $20 These are quite often inside jokes or silly gifts.

But because my mom is a classy lady, she buys all of the gifts in early December. What kind of gifts does she get?

A bottle of wine
Mittens
A beautiful scarf
Little plants
Kitchen tools
Warm socks
Two scone mixes
A real lump of coal
Kitchen towels
A new book
$20 cash
$50 cash
A coffee mug

See? Those are nice gifts. They are placed in paper lunch bags, and then the game begins.

Supplies Needed

A deck of cards
Two (2) gifts for each person
Plain paper bags, or small decorative bags of your choice
A friendly and festive attitude

Buy the gifts and place them in plain paper bags. Fold the tops of the bags over (or seal) so no one can tell what’s in the bag.

Play The Classy White Elephant Game

There are two “rounds” in this Christmas Eve Gift Exchange: a round of cards, and an exchange round.

The Card Round

Place all the paper bags in the center of the floor.
Pick someone to be the dealer.
The dealer shuffles the cards and gives each person two cards.
The person with the total closest to 30 wins this round, and picks one bag to open.
The person who won the round shows the gift so everyone can see. This becomes important in the exchange round.
Continue dealing cards until all bags are picked and opened, and everyone can see all gifts.

The Exchange Round

Everyone decides if they will keep all of their gifts or if they’ll exchange.
Most likely, anyone who gets cash is going to keep that one item. If I ever get the cash, I WILL be keeping it – you hear that, mom? Let’s make a deal so that I get the cash next year!
The dealer does one more round of card dealing.
The person closest to 30 goes first.
They can keep both their gifts or exchange one gift for someone else’s gift. For example, “I’m exchanging my scarf for your book.”
We do two to four exchange rounds to be sure everyone has what they really want

We have fun with this Christmas Eve Gift Exchange every year. One year I wasn’t able to be with family on Christmas Eve, so we used Face Time for me to fully participate.

Feel free to change the rules to meet the needs of your family, and most importantly, have fun!

Feeling My Age

I’m not too sure when it started, but recently I’ve been feeling my age.

Grey Hair

My hair started to truly “go grey” ten or eleven years ago in my forties. There had been strands of grey all along, but I really started to notice the changes then.

I started coloring my hair. Sometimes the color was great: I got along with the stylist, and she had magic touch with coloring. There were several shes, mind you, as over eleven years there have been countless different stylists.

Other times, the stylist wasn’t so skilled, and my hair would have no depth or interest.

This summer, I’m transitioning from fully colored hair to straight up grey. I totally trust and love my stylist, and am ready to embrace all this grey hair.

The grey reflects the inside changes that have been happening throughout menopause. This menopause feels like a great turning or moving a lake one teaspoon at a time. The ‘maiden’ part of my life is long over, the ‘mother’ part is ending, and the ‘crone’ part is just beginning.

Slower Recovery Time

As I shared on Facebook, I recently hurt my back. Sure, I’ve hurt it before, but I recovered quickly.

Over the last few years, recovery times take longer – for everything. The nights of staying out late or having cocktails for dinner are long gone. I hesitate with one glass of wine because even that can make me feel hungover in the morning.

And mornings? Coming up and out from the depths of sleep takes longer. Getting this beautiful body out of bed and moving takes a little longer, too. Once up and going, I’m usually good to go…unless I hurt my back.

Then it’s PJ’s and books or streaming videos all day. And – as it happens – the occasional blog post.

Deepening Awareness

But feeling my age isn’t all about turning grey and slowing down. That great turning is unfolding a greater awareness of everything: of me, my world, others in my world.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve meditated and practiced mindfulness for so long, I don’t know. But there is such a deepening awareness it’s hard to put into words. It sounds poetic or hokey, like this:

I walked around my yard not long ago and said hello to all of the plants returning to life after winter. Hello to the peonies, phlox, sedum, hello to the little plum and peach trees I planted last year. I swear they talk back in their own plant way.

But this is a very real thing for me. When I choose to be aware, everything is alive. And more and more as I age, I choose awareness.

Emerging Wisdom

While I am feeling my age and talking to the plants, I have no plans to dwell in sadness or mourn the loss of youth. As a younger woman, I wrote a lot of poetry; so much so that I’m working at gathering all of those poems into a collection.

Here’s a sneak peak written by a 30-something year-old me. She was still scared of the world, scared of who she was becoming. And now? Not so scared, and not yet fully me.

IAM Becoming One

The One inside of me isn’t afraid of anything.

She’s more than happy to take on the world,

Because she knows that even in defeat

there are countless victories.

The One inside of me keeps shining her

flashlight, strobe light, guiding light, spotlight,

her bright Light for me to see my next step.

The one I am now is afraid of everything:

loud noises, quiet noises, excess noises,

and no noise at all. I am in between now:

I am not fully me, and I am not who I shall become.

I see the One I am becoming peeking out

from behind heavy curtains. Occasionally,

she puts on a simple costume and

speaks with other parts of me.

She, the One I shall become, knows all of me.

She is wise, kind, and compassionate.

She knows the struggles within process.

She knows enlightenment.

The One inside of me is not burdened by sorrow,

not tethered to memory, or to what “might” be.

She is a dancer, moving sublimely through life’s

intricate transitions. She gladly welcomes death.

She speaks her mind without fear.

She is innocence and maturity, crone and maiden.

She is the three sisters, and she is One.

The One inside of me has a hammer, sledge hammer,

jack hammer. She slams into what’s left of this

body’s shell. She slams into the fragile person

I cling to. She is a destroyer, a life giver.

Midlife Crisis or Midlife Revolution?

Coined in 1965 by Elliott Jacques, the ‘midlife crisis’ is a term that implies that getting older is a disease. It suggests that life is completely over when you hit midlife, and that -with just one crisis- you’re ‘over it’ and better.

I see the phrase ‘midlife crisis’ as just one more way that Western (and specifically American) culture sends a message that you aren’t good enough the way you are today. And I think it’s hogwash, because it’s not a midlife crisis – it’s a midlife revolution.

Midlife Crisis or Midlife Revolution?

Midlife for me has (so far) been about a great change in my life. In a way, my life has been ‘revolving’ and ‘evolving’ in ways I never thought it could. And in other ways, I feel like I’m truly coming home to settle in my skin and celebrate myself.

On Twitter, though, people using #midlifecrisis seem to assume that being in midlife is bad. Of course, there’s a humorous twist to each of the tweets; Twitter is for quick comments like those you might make at a cocktail party. The posts can be serious, snarky, and funny, like this one:

Pink unicorns in and of themselves are not a midlife crisis. But boy, society wants us to turn over and die already. The thinking is that at age 42, you’re definitely OLD, and most certainly too old for all sorts of things, including pink unicorn tops.

But buying a top with a pink unicorn isn’t a crisis, it’s a revolution. It’s a cry from your inner child, from the younger version of you, to really truly celebrate who you are.

It’s a shout to say, “This is who I am, world, get over it.” And if wearing pink unicorns is what you’re about, then do it with gusty.

Or, at least to let your silly side show. And the fact that you’re willing to follow this wild cry is a beautiful thing – revolutionary, even.

Because one thing this world definitely needs is to learn to (at least) appreciate if not downright celebrate aging and all that it brings, ammitright?

Aging Is Awesome

In the ‘aging is horrible’ category, there’s this lament from twenty-something @dylandonnelly12. Being just as close to 30 as you are 18 is definitely not a midlife thing, and it’s certainly no crisis. Being in high school sucked a lot more than being an adult – at least for me.

And while my 20s were fun, I don’t want to go back there (except for the ability to recover from having a couple of glasses of wine faster…now that I would like to get back. This song from Jamie Cullum sums up the 20-something experience… And it aint’ no midlife crisis.

Hair Color Is A Revolution

Going brunette after being blonde for 25 years is not a crisis, either. It’s a way to trust your inner feelings, and take a wild leap into a new version of you.

Right now I’m transitioning from a regular hair dye about the same color as my natural hair into a full-blown head of grey hair. It’s a wild leap to trust both my stylist and my inner instincts. It’s both frightening and exciting at the same time.

I’ve got all sorts of questions running around in my head: Who will I be with grey hair? What does that mean for my life? What color of grey is it going to be?

And I have all sorts of answers, too: I’m still me, and it means nothing – other than you’re getting older and gaining more wisdom. In some ways, the transition from brunette to grey is an outward manifestation of the amazing inner revolution that midlife has brought me through.

Wrinkles Are A Revolution

Wrinkles are part of life, too. They’re an indication that you’ve lived a full life.

And who says you have to be mature to be 50? Ask anyone who – around age 50 – has bought a fast sports car or dated someone *much* younger than them.

Heck, I don’t even know what ‘being mature’ means, anymore than I know what it means to be a ‘real’ adult.

I’m a firm believer that -if you are your own kooky, crazy self -you’ll be a-ok. And probably a whole lot happier, wrinkles and all.

The Power of Asking A Question

Oh, I ask this question every day, or almost every day. Well, at least once a week, month, and definitely more than once a year.

For me, the “what the heck am I doing” question is really the universe sending you the message that it’s time to change things up. And if you’re willing to ask the question, you’ve got to be brave enough to listen for the answer your soul offers.

The Midlife Revolution

Wikipedia defines a midlife crisis as “…a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45–64 years old. The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly shortcomings of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of depression, remorse, and anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to current lifestyle.”

Midlife (and menopause in particular) is not a disease. It’s the opportunity to pause and take stock. And the time it takes to do that is up to you.

For me, the revolution started in earnest after returning from a spiritual journey to Peru. I came back into ‘my real life’ and was unhappy…to put it mildly. And in the ensuing years, I’ve set in motion things that will redefine my life – for the rest of my life.

I spent a year becoming a life coach. I learned Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy. Right now I’m working through a mindfulness certification so I can bring the practice to more people. All of these things are going to contribute to this new life I’m creating.

But it didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happy without some weeping and wailing – and hot flashes. I’ve described my midlife revolution as moving the ocean of my life into another basin one tablespoon at a time. Some of the drops of water don’t make the transition, and sometimes you pick up things along the way that you never knew you wanted.

Midlife is a time of transition. It’s a time to celebrate and cry, to laugh and mourn. And it’s a time to discover that wild heartbeat within you.

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

midlife is the new black dress

When you hit midlife, you’ve reached the equivalent of life’s little black dress. You’re confident and comfortable in your own skin – no matter what you wear. Without a doubt, midlife is the new black dress.

The blog world is full of women in midlife and beyond. The blogs often explore how they got to where they are now, and especially that inner transformation that seems to happen in midlife.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite fashion blogs written by and/or featuring women in midlife and beyond.

Advanced Style

Ari Seth Cohen’s blog was a true internet sensation when it first launched.

His blog focuses on seniors who “…live full creative lives. They live life to the fullest, age gracefully and continue to grow and change themselves.”

Advanced Style has launched some seniors into the internet famous world, and even spawned books and a documentary movie.

To say the photos and stories are inspirational is an understatement. They’re a testament to the enduring nature of the human spirit and the power of transformation through fashion at any age.

Want some inspiration? Have a look at the movie trailer:

WhenThe Girls Rule

At When The Girls Rule, Julia got into fashion blogging because she didn’t see any bloggers that looked like her.

And she couldn’t find consistent clothing advice for someone with her apple-shaped body and big breasts. So she started her own blog.

“I did not feel joy when shopping and usually came out of the store feeling pretty bad about my midlife body,” she wrote in a post that explained exactly why she started When The Girls Rule.

Starting a blog was a big step for someone who had spent about twenty years as a stay-at-home mom.

She hadn’t paid attention to styles, and mostly bought outfits based on what mannequins were wearing.

Here’s a post from Julia about a little black dress that works for her in midlife:

Little Black Dress Anyone?

Bound and determined to change how she felt about herself and to celebrate her uniqueness, she threw herself into learning fashion.

Along the way she also earned a degree from a prestigious university. Now, Julia blogs and offers creative services.

How’s that for a midlife transformation?

Style Crone

Judith at Style Crone started blogging in 2010 as a way to celebrate her love of fashion. Every Monday she demonstrates amazing style and personal fortitude through challenging life circumstances.

“Let’s take back the word crone to its original meaning,” wrote Judith, “signifying a woman of a “certain age’ who embodies all her life’s wisdom, knowledge, experience, and love. ”

Judith worked for many years a a psychiatric nurse working in an emergency setting; she also managed the care of head and spinal injuries.

But she’s always had a passion for fashion and at one time co-owned a hat shop, and sold vintage clothing.

One of her earliest entries was about finding a Versace black dress at a garage sale for $3.

Fashion blogging isn’t always about sharing cute clothes, and Judith demonstrates this in every post. She shared the pain of watching a loved one suffer through chemotherapy, and the pain of being left alone after that loved one’s death.

On the more lighter side, she shared her decision to stop coloring her hair and “go grey.”

Baring her soul this way and sharing stories, Judith is a compelling blogger – and an amazing icon for anyone in midlife.

In a December 2017 post titled The Silver Gown and the Habit of Style she writes, “I never underestimate the power of style to alter the neurons in my brain, and flip my mood from melancholy to a state of playful amusement.”

I couldn’t agree more, how about you?

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

No doubt, you’ve got one or two pieces of clothing that make you feel like a million bucks.

Maybe it’s a well-worn pair of jeans that fit just so, or the perfect pair of heels; it might be a skirt that hugs your curves just so, or a hat that adds a quirky touch.

And that feeling when you know the piece of clothing is just right?

That’s midlife.

You know who you are, what you want, and you know what you need to do to get to that goal. There’s no nonsense, no messing around.

Midlife is the new black dress: it’s the perfect thing to wear.

It’s the freedom to be exactly who you are right now, as you are, without all of the nonsense you did as a younger woman.

It’s classic, contemporary, and it’s 100% you.

P.S. As a coach, I love working with women in midlife. Contact me today to learn more.