Blog

Reading Soothes My Soul (February 2019)

Here we are in February and I’m still reading. Over the holidays, I saved a few books from my sister’s house. She was going to donate the books; instead, they came home with me and will visit my friends – and then probably be donated.

Full disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate. If you click on a link and buy something (even if it’s not the particular book,) I receive a little compensation. I think I’ve made $5-10 over the years of blogging, probably because I’ve clicked on my links – lol.

The Collector by Nora Roberts. You know, Nora Roberts who writes both mushy romances and thriller mysteries as J.D. Robb? The Collector combines those into one romantic thriller mystery thing that actually works. Fun vacation read with Fabrege eggs, too.

Where’d You Go Bernadette? by Maria Semple. Quirky Seattle family has a mother with a past. Mom melts down and runs away. Everybody loves everybody all the same, and Antartica sounds like a nice place for a family vacation.

Secrets of the Tsil Cafe by Thomas Fox Averill. One of my favorite foodie books, this is a coming-of-age story about a young boy. His father is the chef/owner of the only Southwestern/Native American restaurant in Kansas City; upstairs from the restaurant, his mother runs an eclectic catering business. Don’t think Upstairs Downstairs, think habanero, chipotle, jalapeno, and life. This is one of the first books I remember reading that included recipes; of course, I wouldn’t even dare try because – well – habanero, chipotle, and jalapeno.

The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott by Kelly O’Connor McNeeds. A friend gave this to me because she couldn’t finish it. I did finish it, but don’t think it was worth reading. The ending was particularly unsatisfying and impossible to believe. On the plus side it’s well researched and authentic to the time period, I just think it wavers too far into fantasy for me (and I like a good fantasy.)

Burning Glass by Kathryn Purdie. A superbly empathetic young girl is brought into the castle to serve as the emperor’s “Auraseer.” Unfortunately, her empathetic talents are untrained, and the dangers in the castle are about to skyrocket. P.S. There’s love in here, too, and it’s a series because something definitely happens after the revolution.

The Color of our Sky by Amita Trasi. This was also gifted to me from a friend, and it is magnificent, if a little unbelievable. Sometimes I’m OK with going along with the ‘unbelievability’ of a story so long as the story is worth it; this one is. Two friends are separated by years and distance; eleven years later they are reunited, and hoo boy, getting there is worth the read.

Feed by M.T. Anderson. This National Book Award Finalist from 2002 so exactly predicts our current reality it’s scary. There’s a trip to the moon, a whirlwind of advertisement, and a romance… and there’s this paragraph that sounds nothing at all like our current world, right?

“Everything we’ve grown up with — the stories on the feed, the games, all of that — it’s all streamlining our personalities so we’re easier to sell to. I mean, they do these demographic studies that divide everyone up into a few personality types, and then you get ads based on what you’re supposedly like. They try to figure out who you are, and to make you conform to one of their types for easy marketing. It’s like a spiral: They keep making everything more basic so it will appeal to everyone. And gradually, everyone gets used to everything being basic, so we get less and less varied as people, more simple. So the corps make everything even simpler. And it goes on and on.”
page 97, Feed by M.T. Anderson

Life Without Water by Nancy Peacock. This is a short, heart-wrenching novel about growing up in the craziness of the late 1960s and early 70s. Mom is a beautiful young thing who hooks up with a drug dealer and artist, daughter is a free spirit, and they live on a funky commune in rural North Carolina. Until they don’t, and then do again.

Kindred Spirits by Sarah Strohmeyer. Heartwarming and heartbreaking chick flick novel. Read this with your girlfriends, decide which one of the main characters you are. Celebrate with good food, margarita’s, and a spontaneous road trip.

I am trying to work my way through They F*** You Up by Oliver James, but it’s slow going. James argues that it is as much nurture (or lack of nurturing) that forms who you become as it is nature. And there are statistics, so. many. statistics. I’m thoroughly enjoying the book but boy, it’s a slog.

This Voraciousness

(A journal excerpt)

Woman taking a bit bite from a round piece of chocolate cake that is decorated to look like planet earth; woman eating earth.

This voraciousness is about the insatiable quest for knowledge, the need to know more to learn more to experience more.

Though not to experience – experience chews up time. Learn and move on to the next thing, learn more, read more, more, more.

This voraciousness is a stumbling block, a thing that keeps me moving forward in a circle, spiral, up, down, merry go round.

This voraciousness is a pattern that holds me back, gobbling up this and that. Not stopping, not focusing, not attaining.

This voraciousness is not progression, it is hunger, it is obsession, it is distraction. This voraciousness is fun and entertaining, too.

Hunger for whatever it happens to be. This week a couple of books, next week a new online class. Or learn to prepare a food I’ve never made, wear a piece of clothing in a new way. This voraciousness is never satisfied.

But wait.

Satisfaction is here if fleeting, a little more than the blink of an eye. This voraciousness keeps moving, fangs bared, eyes keen to find the next prey.

This voraciousness wants something new shortly after something old. This voraciousness forgets about what was just accomplished, dismisses achievement.

This voraciousness says there is always something more out there waiting to be learned, so rush headlong with no hesitation. This voraciousness fires the starting gun and off I go.

This voraciousness does not like quiet and yet, I am voracious about solitude and silence. At work I clamor for the end of the day, seek brief respite wherever and whenever I can. Work is a war zone of mines yet to be exploded and such disparate energies that this voraciousness screams silently unable to satisfy hunger.

In the calm of a slow Sunday morning, this voraciousness wants busy-ness. Voracious fidgets, drinks too much tea, commences internet scrolling, video watching, anything to keep distracted from the ever present now.

This voraciousness has big plans and no idea how to keep going once started. Voraciousness only wants the next thing and the next and the next.

Voraciousness knows these words fall where they should. She stands aside for a moment or two, talks with Ambition and Conscientiousness, then leaps into action.

Voraciousness loves a good sleep, craves a lover, husband, family, mighty home, but doesn’t know what that really means. Voraciousness doesn’t compromise or take turns.

This voraciousness extends to all things “spiritual” too, though at this point, everything is spiritual, fodder for dissection. Voraciousness and Analyze are compadres and seek to solve a mystery where there is none.

Definition

having a huge appetite: ravenous.
excessively eager: insatiable.

Etymology

1630s, formed as an adjectival form of voracity.
1520s, from Middle French voracité (14c.) or directly from Latin voracitatem (nominative voracitas) “greediness, ravenousness,” from vorax (genitive voracis) “greedy, ravenous, consuming,” from vorare “to devour,” from PIE *gwor-a-, from root *gwora– “food, devouring.”

One Emergency Room Visit Too Many: The Dangers of Not Listening to Your Body or Why Self-Care Is The Most Important Care

It’s so easy to forget to care for yourself. I learned this lesson yet again, and am reminded of how self care really is the most important care you can do.

The Official Story (aka, what I told the doctors)

One Monday night, I ate some leftovers for dinner then went to a poetry reading. By the time I came home a couple of hours later, my tummy was feeling weird. I immediately started drinking ginger tea, my number one answer whenever I have an upset stomach or digestive issue. I slept through the night and (TMI warning) had diarrhea in the morning. After that, I was fine.

Or thought I was.

Wednesday, I went to work and started to feel odd. A little tingling in my legs, light-headedness, and a faster heart rate. Eventually, I left the office, went home, fed the cats, and went to the local walk-in clinic. They lectured me about driving with these symptoms and sent me the six minutes to the local hospital emergency room.

With those symptoms, I was whisked behind the emergency room doors and swiftly had EKGs wires, beeps and boops on the monitor, and an automatic blood pressure cup. I peed in a cup, rested, and they put an IV in and started fluids. They diagosed me with dehydration, and sent me home after a couple hours.

I went home, rested, drank a lot of fluids, felt fine, and went to work on Thursday, only to have the same symptoms appear. I took the rest of the day off and went back to the emergency room. A friend joined me. More fluids, more blood pressure, more beeps and boops from various machines hooked to me.

There was a ride to the XRay room for a chest XRay, and two discussions with the nurse practitioner about how ‘our bodies change as we age and go through menopause’ and a couple of conversations with a different nurse. I don’t recall the doctor ever coming into the room; I definitely could be mistaken on that. They sent me home with two prescriptions, a written excuse for Friday off work, and the diagnosis of a UTI and anxiety.

Sounds like a fairly normal story, right?

It’s not, and I’m going to explain how I processed this experience.

Weekend Recovery

I came home from the second emergency room visit. I took a long nap. I got the prescriptions filled. I started taking the medication for the UTI. A friend came over to check on me. I was in the process of setting up Netflix so I could watch movies all weekend.

Over Friday and Saturday, I stayed in the house and did absolutely nothing I didn’t have to do. I indeed did watch several movies, and even read a good chunk of a big book. I took long naps, and cuddled with the cats.

Sunday morning I woke up, and decided to stop the UTI medication. Just two pills had made me terribly sleepy.

Furthermore, my friend had indicated that she’d seen the emergency room team discussing my case, and (most likely) deciding what to tell me. That made me suspicious.

Don’t get me wrong. The folks at the emergency room were fan-freaking-tastic: friendly, professional – everything you want in health care. And I certainly will go back if I’m dumb enough to work myself up into sickness again.

However, my day job is in tech support. Sometimes we don’t have the answers. There are just some things that we can’t explain in a way that truly satisfies the client. We may google for an answer, we may have ten different answers, but -no matter what we say- the client isn’t satisfied. It’s one of the hardest things about doing tech support.

The emergency room staff did exactly what I would do in tech support: they gave me the best answers they could based on the evidence they had. They didn’t have the ability to look at my brain and see everything you’re going to learn about below.

But as I rested and reflected over the weekend, I thought about what had been going on in my life up until that Wednesday when my heart went on overdrive and my legs got all tingly.

And boy, I was not happy with myself.

Process The Story

In my last post, I talked about how to find balance by processing and using the techniques outlined in Leslie Temple-Thurson’s book of polarities, triangles, and squares. Those tools work well with certain kinds of experiences.

This this time, we’re looking at how I processed the experience of being in the emergency room twice and getting a ‘diagnosis.’ It is a different kind of processing and more like detective work.

My job as detective in my life was to uncover all of the things that led up to the emergency room events.

Of course in the heat of the experience, I wasn’t pausing to ask a lot of questions of myself. I was far more concerned about this beautiful body than I was about digging into the tiny details of why this occurred and what I might do to prevent this from happening in the future.

September Self Care

In retrospect, this experience was about manifesting things into physical reality. You can manifest joyous things: a new house, a new car, a pretty backyard filled with flowers. But – for some reason – I’d manifested pain and suffering.

And there were warning signs, of course, but I chose to not pay attention.

I’m sure you’ve never done that, right?

So let’s break this down. What behaviors were occurring to bring about two trips to the emergency room for a relatively healthy person?

Bitching and whining about everything. That’s right, I had my cranky pants on and refused to take them off. If it was sunny and warm, I treated it like a cold, overcast day. I pouted about work and finances and everything. I swam in the soup of my dissatisfaction.

Overwhelming myself with learning things online. I love learning new things and jumped into a couple of classes – all the while not taking the time to regularly write in my ersatz journal or meditate.

Or just, you know, stop already.

About that computer time. Being on a computer eight hours for work and then almost immediately upon arriving home doing another four or five hours of screen time. Just think – that’s twelve or more hours a day in front of a computer, working with multiple screens, and watching YouTube videos, reading blogs, scrolling endlessly through Twitter and Instagram and whatever else I could scroll through.

Reading big books after all of that computer work. Just because my eyes weren’t tired enough, I kept reading for at least another hour after the twelve hours of computer work. My eyes felt like muscles feel sore after overexertion.

Feeling out of sorts. All that crankiness and screentime made me not feel quite right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Retrospect makes me say, “well, doh.”

Not eating properly. Double doh. And especially not fueling myself throughout the workday. I’d grab a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich at 9, and call that good until 12:30, 1, or later. It’s not. I feel faint without a little something to eat. And I feel even better if I have fruit, then protein – hard-boiled egg, turkey, cheese – and then a good lunch.

Feeling like I’m in the movie Groundhog Day. You’ve seen this movie, right? It’s Bill Murray at the famous groundhog celebration in Puxatanny Pennsylvania. He lives the same day over and over and over until one day he doesn’t.

Wearing skinny jeans and then crossing my legs at the knee or in other odd positions – for all that time on the computer and reading.

Skinny jeans? Not bad. Crossing legs all the time: bad. And especially bad with skinny jeans that are tight on the legs.

One of those things isn’t bad. Heck, even two or three of those at the same time aren’t really that bad. But when you combine those, and carry on that way for a long time, you’re in trouble.

To Add Injury…

In the midst of all of this, I called to make an appointment with my regular physician only to find that, because I’m rarely sick and hadn’t been to the office in three years, I was no longer a patient. Furthermore, to get back in as a patient, there was a two year waiting list.

So I spent a few hours calling around to various physicians trying to get an appointment; I finally ended getting one at the end of November – the earliest any were accepting new patients.

And In The End

Anxiety? No, not really. Too much caffeine and not enough food? Definitely! All wound up over nothing? Without a doubt!

UTI? Doubtful. I definitely did not have classic UTI symptoms like pain when urinating, funky smell to the urine, and pain or pressure in my lower back.

I researched natural methods for healing UTIs. I discussed the whole situation with my friend and with my life coach. I gobbled a whole lot of herbal cranberry concentrate pills; opened and mixed with applesauce and cinnamon it was actually tasty-ish. There were no UTI symptoms whatsoever.

My first visit with the new physician went smoothly, and I got labs done. The test results showed me to be (as I expected) relatively healthy. My ‘bad’ cholesterol is a little high, but that’s cancelled out by my overabundance of ‘good’ cholesterol.

And here’s the really cool thing. I explained the emergency room visits and the steps I took afterwards. The doc listened and approved.

She liked how I listened to my body and my needs and took appropriate steps.

Lessons Learned

I supposed I should have something really insightful to say here or admit that I’ve learned something truly fantastic.

There isn’t.

The insights I’ve had are tiny – like I said, they’re detective work. These tiny realizations are mini enlightenments or little light bulbs shining to help me learn to continue to care for myself better.

I’ve cut down on computer work after business hours. I’ve taken to wearing skirts or dresses and not wearing skinny jeans every.single.day. And yes, my 2019 annual physical is already scheduled.

These little changes are enough to make a difference.

What little changes can you make in your life to take better care of yourself?

Processing Your Issues With Polarities, Triangles, and Squares

In the journey toward higher consciousness, you learn to work on yourself and your issues by processing. What are issues? And what the heck is processing?

You Have Issues

An issue is a vague term that can signify nearly anything that pushes your buttons. Things like this:

I can’t stop obsessing about…
Conspiracy theories are true (or not, depending on your stance.)
I hate my job, life, school…
Climate change is real (or is not – depending on your stance.)
I get angry when a driver cuts me off in traffic.
Politics drives me crazy.
Why do I argue so much with my spouse?
What has my self-talk sounded like over the last month?
Why do I always seem to get sick around Thanksgiving?

Years ago, processing took a long time, or maybe I couldn’t really tell when processing was finished.

I just knew that after thinking about some issue there would be a natural resting place or resolution where it felt like I was finished with the issue for the time being.

That’s not very helpful, is it?

What Is Processing?

Fortunately, Leslie Temple-Thurson offers an excellent definition of processing and some incredible techniques to help with processing in her book The Marriage of Spirit: Enlightened Living in Today’s World:

“Processing is a form of self-inquiry. The term to process means to examine and to inquire deeply into the nature of our conditioned and unbalanced egoic patterning with the intention of finding the truth. We process our consciousness in order to become clear and to find our wholeness.”
Page 23, The Marriage of spirit by Leslie temple-thurston

Essentially, you review the code inside of you and -through processing-replace that with new code.

Processing helps you find a sense of balance for the time being.

Of course, life and consciousness work in spiral patterns, so the issue you’ve worked to resolve today will most assuredly come into your life in the future.

Having processed the issue, though, you are better able to deal with the experience. Processing helps you become calmer and wiser human.

The Practice of Processing

That’s all fine, of course, but what does processing look like in practice? Let’s look at my real-life issue: I hate being told what I can and can’t do.

Like really really don’t like it. Anytime I’m told I’m not allowed to do something, my automatic reaction is WHY? What’s so wrong with? That’s not fair. It’s not right.

It’s a feeling in my gut, in my solar-plexus. This is the location of the solar plexus chakra, the seat of manifesting our personal power in the world.

In Sanskrit, the word for the solar plexus chakra is Manipura, and it’s represented by the element of fire. This area of the body is about being grounded in your power, setting the direction of your life, and holding your opinions and beliefs.

So when I am told I can’t do something, I interpret those words -whatever they are, and however they’re delivered- as a personal attack.

Fire and Anger

The words hit like a sucker punch to my gut. I feel helpless. I feel victimized. The wind is out of my sails and I am the Ancient Mariner, adrift with no wind, no water, and the albatross of anger around my neck.

And boy, am I angry.

It’s a self-righteous, firey, burning anger. It’s the kind of anger that makes me want to scream, “how could you!” in situations where such an emotional outburst would do nothing to move the situation forward, and would – no doubt – cause more damage anyway.

Using the techniques of polarity, triangles, and squares, I can move through these feelings and better recognize them the next time they appear in my life.

Of course it doesn’t quite stop the reaction, but it does slow it down, and make me far more aware of the fact that my reaction is waaaaaay out of proportion with the criticism. And being aware of how you are reacting is one of the names of the evolving higher consciousness game.

The Polarity Technique

I’m going to take a little longer to write out exactly how to do this first technique. And – just for fun and you’re enjoyment of peaking into some of my innermost thoughts – I’ll use an example of me being told I can’t do something… or that I have to do something a different way.

(I’m kind of a little angry just thinking about that kind of a situation, so clearly, there’s more processing for me to do with that.)

The basic steps for the polarity technique are:

Pick an experience
Write about the experience
Pick out important words and phrases
Make a list of those important words and phrases
Find the opposites
Offer it up with a prayer
Wait for grace.

After you’ve picked the experience to explore, write it down. Get detailed. .

Writing it out has the ability to take the sting and bite out of the experience; it releases the tension and allows your mind to look at the experience from many different angles.

An abbreviated version might look like this:

I can’t believe that insensitive tyrant stoops to such petty nonsense. It doesn’t do anybody any good if you insist on something that makes no damned sense, and then don’t stick around to help with the implementation. It’s so frustrating to have someone (who thinks they know how this should work) criticize just this one tiny thing, but then never bother to praise the 10,000 other things I do right every.single.day. I know I should calm down about this, and I know that this happens all the time, but seriously? I am so angry. I’m frustrated. There’s not a damn thing I can do to change this situation and I feel so powerless.

After you write that experience down, you may need to take a break before proceeding.

Find the important words and phrases that are repeated over and over in the writing. What’s the theme that comes to you from this experience?

Make a list of those important words and phrases. Go over and over this list and make it as comprehensive as you can. You might even use Thesaurus.com and find a whole host of other words that relate to the list of words you’re focusing on.

Or maybe you’re not as word geeky as I am – lol.

What are some of the key words and phrases from that (very short) rant?

can’t believe
insensitive
tyrant
stoop to
petty nonsense
makes no damned sense
stick around to help
it’s so frustrating
think they know how it should work
criticise this tiny thing
never bother to praise
I should calm down
angry
frustrated
powerless

In The Marriage of Spirit, Leslie Temple-Thurston writes that each word “…represents a vibratory frequency, which fills in the picture much more clearly. The more filled-in the picture is, the bigger the breakthrough you are going to have, and the more tangible the shift will be.”

The next step is to find the opposites for each word on your list.

can’t believe —– I believe
insensitive —- sensitive
tyrant —- benevolent leader
stoop to —- raise up
petty nonsense —- wisdom and understanding
makes no damned sense —- makes sense
never helps —- helpful
frustrating —- inspire
think they know how it should work —- practical experience
criticize this tiny thing —- compliment
no praise —- compliment or praise
I should calm down —- It’s OK to be agitated
Angry —- content
Frustrated —- fulfilled
Powerless —- capable and competent

When you’ve come up with the best list you can, and you’ve thoroughly looked at all of the opposites (really use that Thesaurus website and explore the different ways to express the words) — then you offer it up in prayer.

How you offer this prayer is entirely up to you. It doesn’t matter if you do this formally with a fancy ritual, or if you dance naked in the moonlight around a roaring campfire. Howl at the moon, burn the writing and the list, speak to the goddesses, or have a chat with Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, nature spirits, and your ancestors all at the same time. Totally up to you.

The important part is that you are sincere in your offering. Really put your heart and soul into the prayer. Aim for something like this:

Dear spirit, guides and ancestors, and all that gather to hear my words, my heart is heavy. I am weary of feeling so unbalanced. Please take these patterns in me and clear them. Do this so I may feel more lighthearted and am better able to be the best that I can be while I am here walking on this earth. I give thanks knowing that this will be done. Namaste. So be it. Amen.
adapted from p. 166 of The Marriage of Spirit

The final step in working with polarities is simply to wait (Temple-Thurston calls it waiting for grace) and writes:

When grace comes in, you may feel a shift in your physical body or in your subtle body. Or maybe you will have some emotions pass through. Or perhaps you will suddenly start getting insights. Or that night you might have significant dreams…”

Eventually, as you work at this, practicing polarities becomes natural. You’ll be criticized and feel angry, but think, “I am angry at these words, and I am also calm and competent. These words are not about me…” or something similar.

Some day, you may even be able to save writing the experience and the words and the opposites for more complex issues.

The Triangle Technique

Once you understand how to work with opposites, processing with triangles and squares is easier to understand. Here are the basic steps for triangles:

Choose a polarity
Write it on the baseline points of a triangle
Find the ascended balance and write it at the apex of the triangle
Offer it up in prayer, and ask for the ascended state to be instituted instead of the polarity.
Wait for grace.

The triangles work with what my primary meditation teacher might call The Law of Threes: for every pair of opposite there is a higher resolution or balance point. For example,

power and powerlessness resolve upward to surrender and humility.
Loss and gain resolve as neutrality.
Control and loss of control might resolve as detachment, surrender, and neutrality.
Victim and tyrant resolve as selflessness and forgiveness.

Temple-Thurston includes a list of ascended balance states — ie, the resolution of that tension between two opposites. Here are some:

Acceptance
Attunement
Balance
Compassion
Detachment
Equanimity
Forgiveness
Gratitude
Harmony
Humility
Joy
Patience
Tolerance
Trust
Unity
Wisdom

The Squares Technique

Squares are yet another way to work with issues that just never seem to go away.

Choose a polarity
Draw a large square. Divide the square into four smaller squares. In the upper two squares write: fear of (polarity 1) and desire to (polarity 1.) In the lower two squares write fear of polarity 2 and desire to polarity 2. See the image below for what it should look like.
Apply data — fill in the squares (and the edges around the squares and however much paper you need) with every possible way in which you know that desire or fear.
Offer the square up to spirit.
Wait for grace.

Temple-Thurston offers plenty of examples to explore in your life:

Dependent and Independent
Inferior and Superior
Approval and Disapproval
Lack and Abundance
Victim and Tyrant
Manipulative and Straight Forward

Try It Out

These three techniques have so many applications, and I’ve only begun to explore them. Truth be told, I’ve only glanced at the rest of the book because these techniques blew me away.

Learn more about the work of Leslie Temple-Thurston at CoreLight.

Download key chapters of The Marriage of Spirit

Buy The Marriage of Spirit at Amazon. (I am an Amazon Affiliate. If you click on a link and buy something (even if it’s not the particular book,) I receive a little compensation. I think I’ve made $5-10 over the years of blogging, probably because I’ve clicked on my links – lol.)

Deep Peace 2018

Almost every year that I have been blogging, I’ve used this traditional prayer as a way to close the year. Blessings to all, and to all a good new year.

This has been an odd year. I feel like I started out going in one direction. The middle of the year brought a strong stop – as in a stop to cause me to stand in the middle of the road and look around.

The end of the year seems to be a launching off in a different, deeper direction. Let that be in peace.

I’m particularly fond of Donovan’s interpretation this Gaelic prayer on his Sutra’s recording:

Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace deep peace
Deep peace of the sleeping stones to you
Deep peace of the wandering wind to you
Deep peace of the flock of stars to you
Deep peace deep peace
Deep peace of the eastern wind to you
Deep peace of the western wind to you
Deep peace of the northern wind to you
Blue wind of the south to you
Pure red of the whirling flame to you
Pure white of the silver moon to you
Pure green of the emerald grass to you
Deep peace deep peace