Blog

Deanna Troi Asks Life Coaching Questions

If you’ve read m y about page, then you know I like Star Trek not Star Wars. During my life coaching training, I decided to see if Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG) character Deanna Troi asks life coaching questions.

If there’s one thing I learned during a year’s worth of training towards becoming a life coach, it’s that asking a good question at the right time can change a client’s perspective in a heartbeat. And sometimes – just sometimes – Deanna Troi indeed does ask a question that alters perspective.

That said, I think Guinan is better at helping Enterprise crew see different perspectives. Rather than asking “life coachy” questions, though, Guinan tends to tell stories that elicit changes.

What Is A Good Life Coaching Question?

A good life coaching question makes you stop and think. I know I’ve asked a good question when the client can’t respond with a snappy answer.

There’s even a book with hundreds of powerful questions that a life coach might ask – questions like:

What are some of your core values?
What kind of structure can you place around yourself to make sure you remember to do that consistently?
What’s the dream that calls you here?
What makes this significant to you?
What would it take for you to get to the bottom of this?
What does this look like from the other person’s perspective?

These are the kind of questions that aren’t easy to answer. You really do have to pause and reflect before responding. The response can really change your perspective on whatever you happen to be exploring with your coach that day.

And Then I Watched Star Trek

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve watched the entire seven year run of Star Trek: The Next Generation. But then I got obsessed with the whole idea of Deanna Troi asking life coaching questions, and found Chrissie’s Transcript Site that has most TNG scripts.

And THEN I scanned all scripts on the website for questions asked by Deanna Troi.

Why did I do that? Because someone noticed how many roving potted plants there are on TNG, so – why not how many life coaching questions Troi asks?

It’s remarkable how few lines Troi has. On some shows it’s one or two lines, while on others (The Hunted, Season 3) she has many. And there are even fewer scenes in her (decidedly 80s-styled) office.

There’s a lot more I could say here about the Deanna Troi character -most of it negative – but plenty of other people already have (here – here – and here, too.)

Let’s get to the questions.

Deanna Troi’s Questions

My excel spreadsheet shows 887 questions. Yes, I did put them into a spreadsheet. How else could I figure out if they were good coaching questions?

319 of those questions are about what I’ll call “outer space problems.” These are topics that your average life coach will never need to ask:

Is there any indication of temporal displacement?
Captain, do you exist in combination with this entity?
Are we at war with the Ferengi yet?
Did you ever spend time in the nacelle control room while it was under construction?
How are we going to know whether the pulse reboots Data’s ethical program?
Hekaras Two is inhabited, isn’t it?
If we have established that the Romulans were not responsible for the destruction of the Yamato, would it not be prudent to withdraw?
Mister Tarmin, are all Ullians able to read memories?
Is there any evidence at all that they’re sentient?

There are around 63 questions that are not even remotely appropriate for a coach to ask:

Come in for a drink?
May I join you?
Wouldn’t you rather be alone with me? With me in your mind?
Data, have you been in my quarters?
You don’t remember us falling in love and getting married?
Can you deal me in?
Why didn’t we do this a long time ago?

Here are some of the questions that definitely aren’t coaching questions. But then again, maybe they could become coaching questions if they were restructured a bit:

Memory or nightmare?
You have no idea who she is?
Can’t you intensify that emotion?
Why do you have all this anger toward me?
Where are you?
Should I?
Why should you care whether I trust you or not?
Why can’t you turn your disadvantage into an advantage? (I really wish the line had been “How can you turn your advantage into a disadvantage?” That would be a great coaching question!)
Are you ready to cooperate?
Do you think you’re the only one in pain?
Do you think you have the monopoly on loss?

Good Coaching Questions, Deanna!

There are more than 300 questions that are ‘good’ coaching questions:

Captain, if I may recommend? (Here, she’s asking permission to recommend. This is important in coaching.)
But did we tell them anything they want to hear?
How did you manage that?
Now what?
Mmmm? (This is a good question, I swear. It allows the client to expand on the topic.)
When was the last attempt made?
What do you wish you had said?
Why are you so hard on yourself? (this one’s questionable – it might put the client on the defensive.)
What do you mean?
What is it you’re looking for?
May I make a suggestion?
What do your feelings tell you?
What?
Why not?
May I ask how?
What have you discovered?
How are you feeling about this now?
What is your plan?
How’s it going?
What’s wrong?
How does it feel being with people again?
Is that what you’ve decided to do?
If you had to give this feeling a name, what would you call it?
What’s wrong?
What were you trying to do?
What happened next?
How so?
What?
May I ask why?
Is there a solution?
Do you have any idea why that might be?
And from these specifics, what general conclusion can you extrapolate?

Did you notice anything about the “good” coaching questions?

They’re all open-ended questions. They all invite the client to continue to add to the train of thought, or expand their perspective. The questions start with What, Who, How.

The questions usually don’t start with the word “why.” In fact, asking “why” puts the coach in an aggressive position, and entices the client to defend themselves.

Empathic Abilities?

It’s fairly well known that the writers of Start Trek: The Next Generation didn’t really know what to do with Deanna Troi and her “empathic” abilities; she was there for sex appeal.

Fortunately over seven seasons, the character did grow and change – and even became a bridge officer. Along the way, Deanna Troi also asked some good life coaching questions.

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

midlife is the new black dress

When you hit midlife, you’ve reached the equivalent of life’s little black dress. You’re confident and comfortable in your own skin – no matter what you wear. Without a doubt, midlife is the new black dress.

The blog world is full of women in midlife and beyond. The blogs often explore how they got to where they are now, and especially that inner transformation that seems to happen in midlife.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite fashion blogs written by and/or featuring women in midlife and beyond.

Advanced Style

Ari Seth Cohen’s blog was a true internet sensation when it first launched.

His blog focuses on seniors who “…live full creative lives. They live life to the fullest, age gracefully and continue to grow and change themselves.”

Advanced Style has launched some seniors into the internet famous world, and even spawned books and a documentary movie.

To say the photos and stories are inspirational is an understatement. They’re a testament to the enduring nature of the human spirit and the power of transformation through fashion at any age.

Want some inspiration? Have a look at the movie trailer:

WhenThe Girls Rule

At When The Girls Rule, Julia got into fashion blogging because she didn’t see any bloggers that looked like her.

And she couldn’t find consistent clothing advice for someone with her apple-shaped body and big breasts. So she started her own blog.

“I did not feel joy when shopping and usually came out of the store feeling pretty bad about my midlife body,” she wrote in a post that explained exactly why she started When The Girls Rule.

Starting a blog was a big step for someone who had spent about twenty years as a stay-at-home mom.

She hadn’t paid attention to styles, and mostly bought outfits based on what mannequins were wearing.

Here’s a post from Julia about a little black dress that works for her in midlife:

Little Black Dress Anyone?

Bound and determined to change how she felt about herself and to celebrate her uniqueness, she threw herself into learning fashion.

Along the way she also earned a degree from a prestigious university. Now, Julia blogs and offers creative services.

How’s that for a midlife transformation?

Style Crone

Judith at Style Crone started blogging in 2010 as a way to celebrate her love of fashion. Every Monday she demonstrates amazing style and personal fortitude through challenging life circumstances.

“Let’s take back the word crone to its original meaning,” wrote Judith, “signifying a woman of a “certain age’ who embodies all her life’s wisdom, knowledge, experience, and love. ”

Judith worked for many years a a psychiatric nurse working in an emergency setting; she also managed the care of head and spinal injuries.

But she’s always had a passion for fashion and at one time co-owned a hat shop, and sold vintage clothing.

One of her earliest entries was about finding a Versace black dress at a garage sale for $3.

Fashion blogging isn’t always about sharing cute clothes, and Judith demonstrates this in every post. She shared the pain of watching a loved one suffer through chemotherapy, and the pain of being left alone after that loved one’s death.

On the more lighter side, she shared her decision to stop coloring her hair and “go grey.”

Baring her soul this way and sharing stories, Judith is a compelling blogger – and an amazing icon for anyone in midlife.

In a December 2017 post titled The Silver Gown and the Habit of Style she writes, “I never underestimate the power of style to alter the neurons in my brain, and flip my mood from melancholy to a state of playful amusement.”

I couldn’t agree more, how about you?

Midlife Is The New Black Dress

No doubt, you’ve got one or two pieces of clothing that make you feel like a million bucks.

Maybe it’s a well-worn pair of jeans that fit just so, or the perfect pair of heels; it might be a skirt that hugs your curves just so, or a hat that adds a quirky touch.

And that feeling when you know the piece of clothing is just right?

That’s midlife.

You know who you are, what you want, and you know what you need to do to get to that goal. There’s no nonsense, no messing around.

Midlife is the new black dress: it’s the perfect thing to wear.

It’s the freedom to be exactly who you are right now, as you are, without all of the nonsense you did as a younger woman.

It’s classic, contemporary, and it’s 100% you.

P.S. As a coach, I love working with women in midlife. Contact me today to learn more.

Reading Soothes My Soul – January 2018

Reading soothes my soul

Every so often, I take time to reflect on the books I’ve read. Reading is an escape, a pleasure, and quite often a journey into another world. When I read fiction, I find myself being an omnipotent ‘goddess’ tagging along beside the protagonist, second guessing their every move and thought. I clearly envision the surrounding terrain and visualize each of the characters. A good book stays with me for days, months, years.

December and the first part of January have been slow for reading. I’ve moved forward by leaps and bounds with getting this coaching business established, which has left little time for reading. Still, there have been a few good books, and one large grey cat on my lap most nights.

Full disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate. If you click on a link and buy something (even if it’s not the particular book,) I receive a little compensation.

The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden. It’s deep winter and a small village in the medieval Russian wilderness is beset upon by pagan demons. Or is it beset upon by a monk from far away Muscovy attempting to impose new, religious beliefs? Tensions are high in this imaginative retelling of a classic Russian fairy tale. Thank goodness Vasya, the land owner’s wild-child daughter is around to save the day…or does she? I suspect the sequel, The Girl In The Tower, will have just as many twists and turns.

Sourdough by Robin Sloan. Yes, sourdough bread and San Francisco, but also high-tech, grazing goats, farmer’s markets, and cricket cookies. There’s a visit to a Chez Panisse look-a-like restaurant, and an appearance of the owner who resembles Alice Waters, the legendary founder of Panisse. There’s a robot that makes bread, too. Sourdough is quick read with a good story. It didn’t take me much longer than making a loaf of bread from scratch to read.

Inspired and Unstoppable: Wildly Succeeding in Your Life’s Work by Tama Kieves. On the journey from employee to entrepreneur…. (Wait, did I just call myself a business owner? I guess I did, didn’t I? I’m still getting used to that…) Anyway, while on the journey from employee to creating a dream job/life as a life coach and writer, Tama Kieves has been consistently inspirational. This book is full of sound, heart-centered advice. I have her new book, Thriving Through Uncertainty, loaded onto my Kindle to read, too.

Curiosity Killed The Cat Sitter by Blaize Clement. Retired sheriff’s deputy turned pet sitter Dixie Hemingway is no pushover – unless there’s dog or cat involved. And there are the dead bodies that (ahem, mysteriously) keep appearing. But Dixie has a complicated history, and solving murders doesn’t help her keep her cool. I’d read more of these. And besides that, reading about hot Florida days is a fantasy in the middle of a Michigan winter.

About A Dog by Jenn McKinlay. Romance, dogs, and small town gosh-golly-gee are in this delightful story. Throw in three girlfriends and you’ve got a charming tale – or should that be tail? I’m sure the others in the Bluff Point Romance series are just as heart-warming: Barking Up The Wrong Tree and Every Dog Has His Own Day.

The Conquer Kit: A Creative Business Planner for Women Entrepreneurs by Natalie MacNeil. I bought this on a whim more than a year ago, really before I realized I was truly starting a business. I couldn’t work with this book at all. But then, gradually, as I became more aware of the business that was emerging from my consciousness, this book became an inspiration. It is a business plan, but it’s not stodgy or boring. It causes you to brainstorm and apply solid business tactics in creative ways. There are still parts I haven’t been able to work through. I think that’s the point, though – as I develop as a business owner, I can see returning to this book over and over again to discover fresh perspectives.

Currently Reading

Artemis by Andy Weir. Yes, the guy who wrote The Martian in his spare time while working a computer programmer is back with another book set off-planet. This time we’re on the moon, and all sorts of adventure is afoot in the domed city. The main character is just as sharp as The Martian’s Mark Watney, and in about as much trouble, too. I hope Andy Weir has a few more books like these to write!

What Is A Life Coach?

what is a life coach

My short answer to the question “what is a life coach” is this: a life coach is a trained professional who guides you to move forward by asking powerful questions.

In truth, it’s hard to define exactly what a life coach is because the profession is relatively young and rapidly changing.

What is a Life Coach?

The International Coaching Federation, of which I am a member, defines coaching as

partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. Coaching helps people tap into their potential, unlocking sources of creativity and productivity.

I’ll bet that mouthful of positive words does not help you understand what a life coach is. But the words give you clues: partnering, thought-provoking, inspiring, and unlocking potential.

What A Life Coach Is Not

My life has had many twists and turns, and I’ve learned a lot about myself by defining what I like and don’t like. I’d think about professions and “just know” that it wasn’t right for me.

For example, I knew I didn’t want to be a doctor. If I ask you what a doctor is, you might answer that a doctor is someone you go to when sick. The doctor examines you, runs tests, gathers blood, and prescribes medicine that will make you feel better. To be super-simple, a doctor diagnoses and fixes people.

Of course that’s an incredibly naive way to describe a doctor because every practicing physician has years of education, training, and experience. Most doctors these days are specialists in the minutia of the functioning of the human body. Furthermore, a doctor can spot in a minute might take you and me a year to begin to diagnosis.

And no, a life coach isn’t a doctor. While I have ICF-accredited training program, I certainly don’t have the years of education of a typical doctor.

However, I do have a more than a half century of life experience. Much as a doctor brings education, training, and experience into each interaction with a new patient, a life coach brings their life experience to each and every session.

Life Coaching Is Also Not Therapy

People sometimes think that working with a life coach is just like seeing a therapist. But partnering with a life coach is not like working with a therapist. Generally, therapy looks backwards to what happened in the past at people and events that effect your current situation.

Therapy sometimes delves into deep dark secrets and trauma. And as those secrets are revealed to the light of your consciousness, therapy helps you learn how to move forward in life.

For me, therapy helped reclaim parts of myself that had been neglected or discarded. I learned that I was fine just the way I am.

Therapy plus meditation and ongoing introspection changed me unequivocally from the inside out. But life coaching isn’t therapy, and if you have unresolved issues from the past, life coaching probably isn’t a good fit for you at this time.

A Life Coach Isn’t A Minister, Either

For foundation-level training in life coaching, I received certification as a spiritual life coach. I love the spirit-filled world of mindfulness and meditation, and know that it plays a role in all my interactions.

But working with a spiritual coach is definitely not the same as being counseled by a pastor or minister. I can’t quote Bible verses or tell you to pray the rosary daily; I have neither the experience nor the desire to do so.

Instead, if you are open to it, we might explore what spirituality means to you, or brainstorm ways you can bring spirituality into your every day life.

If You Are Open To It

The phrase “if you are open to it” is very important in coaching. The coach should not leading where the session goes: that’s always up to the client. So if exploring spirituality isn’t your thing, that’s perfectly OK.

Likewise, the coach doesn’t tell you what you should do. It’s not my decision to make – it’s yours. As a coach I ask questions to help you make those decisions – and sometimes they’re big decisions.

Regardless, you decide where we go on this journey called life coaching. And if you’re thinking about leaving a job, starting a business, or taking a “wild” leap into the unknown, a life coach is the perfect companion.

What Is A Life Coach?

So what is a life coach? She’s your partner on this journey. She walks beside you. She’s your cheerleader. She holds you accountable and reminds you of those big dreams.

She’s the one to whom you confess your deepest and smallest fears. And she’s the one who leads you gently forward until that thing you never thought you could have is truly yours.

Got big dreams? Let’s talk!

Embracing Adventure

Embracing Adventure and Enchantment

Let’s face it. In the middle of winter in Michigan, with the temperature below zero, the last thing on my mind is embracing adventure.

Fortunately, the palm trees and signpost remind me that there are other places in the world where it is warm and toasty.

I remember winter will be over, and soon enough I’ll be working out in my garden instead of huddled under blankets.

The signpost speaks to me of travel adventures still calling my name: Toronto? Rio de Janeiro? Prague?

The signpost reminds me that, with a last name like Wallace, it’s a shame I still haven’t been to Scotland. And that maybe a trip to see friends in North Carolina or Arizona would be a lot of fun.

But then I stop and sink into these thoughts further. I pause and sense what the deeper reason why this is the perfect photo to start a new year.

This photo invites me to embrace the spirit of adventure in the every day.

An adventure doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. You don’t have to climb a mountain or swim a sea to be adventurous.

Last year, I took a weekend trip to Mackinaw Island and stayed at the world reknown Grand Hotel. For me it was an adventure because it was a spur-of-the-moment decision.

It’s something I’m not likely to repeat anytime soon, but boy, was it an adventure!

A few years ago I “glamped” in an old camper for adventure. I reveled in the silence on the private lake and loved watching the full moon rise through the trees. The crackle of a warm fire as the night became cold was nothing short of enchanting.

And even though the camper was on land owned by a friend, it was an adventure for me. It forced me to step out of my day-to-day routine, and see things in a slightly different way.

Even commonplace activities can be adventures. For me, going to the local thrift store is fun. It’s a little different every time, and I never know what I’ll find.

What little adventures do you have in your everyday life?

How can pull yourself out of the mundane to experience enchantment?

What steps can you take to honor the spirit of adventure this year?